Last week I wrote about the need to use both presence and power together to challenge the status quo in our external lives. This week I want to focus on using both presence and power in our internal lives.


Challenging our internal status quo can often feel harder than challenging those in power externally. Our willingness to experience discomfort is usually the key to making change. Or as one of my old psychotherapy teachers said in class one day, “Nobody comes to therapy because the sun is shining and they are feeling great!” Even when we are suffering, we often suffer longer for fear of experiencing a greater pain than we are facing in the moment.


There are several types of discomfort that we might choose to avoid. Most of us experience some level of discomfort when we face unfamiliar circumstances and feelings. Often this is accompanied by a feeling of being out of control or not knowing how to deal with our unfamiliar circumstances.

The discomfort of losing something also holds people back from challenging their internal status quo. Risking an identity, a relationship, a sense of belonging, or the approval of people we love and respect is scary and not something any of us blithely choose.


Change CAN BE dangerous. Losing any of the above is not easy and can be quite painful for a long period of time, even if we replace our losses with something better. However, being uncomfortable is different from actually putting ourselves in danger. Real danger exists, but our minds can easily conflate the two in an effort to protect us from discomfort. “How do we discern the difference?” is a powerful question that will serve us well.


Transformation requires both presence and power. “Being” and “doing” are both active participants in any transformative process.


Many years ago, I was working at a nonprofit family service agency as a psychotherapist. The Executive Director was atypically grinning from ear to ear when he came into the office that morning. I remarked at how happy he looked. He told me that the Board of Directors had just given him a sizeable raise. “Congratulations,” I replied, happily thinking that maybe they’d offer us some increase as well.


Later that morning, the entire clinical staff sat around the boardroom table for our monthly meeting. The ED started the meeting by saying that the agency didn’t have enough money to continue paying the Clinical Director’s salary. To make up the difference, the ED suggested that the staff each take a 10% pay cut to cover the gap. Given that the Clinical Director was sitting at the table, it would be hard to deny her the money. Each person agreed to the pay cut. I was the last person to answer. I was present and I acted. I told the ED and the rest of the staff that I, too, would be willing to take a 10% cut if he made it unanimous and included himself. At least he answered honestly and said, “That never occurred to me.” I asked him if he was willing, and he agreed.


It was totally unlike me to blatantly ask for something I didn’t think was possible. But I was outraged, especially given his own raise, at the injustice of asking all of us to take a pay cut. The next day, he took away my title and demoted me. It was purely performative since he neither lowered my pay nor my power. I left the agency shortly after.


Prior to this meeting, others and I had spent at least a year being dissatisfied and irritated with how he was running the agency and its impact on our ability to do our work. I could have left months before I finally did, but it was only when I could no longer bear my suffering that I finally acted and left.


Desperation was the ignition, not the gasoline. I could no longer bear the impact of his injustice and incompetence. That got me out the door. My courage, my transformed view of what I was now capable of, fueled my job search and my unwillingness to settle for a toxic work environment.


In times of suffering, it’s worthwhile to ask ourselves, “What makes a change worth the discomfort and risk?” and “Does our suffering have to reach the level of desperation before change is possible?”