As I have been writing these recent newsletters, I’m coming to see that thinking is safer for me than raw experiencing. And thinking, if I’m going to be truly honest, is a way that I partially withhold my full consent. To give my full consent, I would have to be willing to show up in each moment with full presence. To be willing to remain in relationship with whatever emerges. 

Writing this, another thought arrives, “I used to think consent meant saying yes. Now I’m beginning to wonder whether full consent means staying present after I’ve said yes.”


I have ambivalent feelings in this moment. Living with full presence feels exciting and alive. Yet, my body is contracting with fear at the very prospect of this. As a child, I did live with a deep sense of presence and yet I was also socialized to privilege my mind over my body and shamed for being too expressive with my feelings. 

To let go of this training and programming feels like I would be operating without a net. If I lost my balance, tripping might be fatal. I’m still not willing to risk everything in the service of being fully alive in the moment. 

I notice that I’m thinking again. Perhaps this is my narrator part accompanying my protagonist part as she readies herself to give her complete consent. 

The protagonist interrupts. “I’m letting you share your inner process with your readers. How much more vulnerable do you want me to be?”

I smile at this. 


To give my complete consent, I would have to stay fully connected to my body, my intuition, as well as my mind. I feel a loosening in my body as I write this. I didn’t expect that. 

I expect presence to be exhausting. Instead, as my body softens, I feel more energy, not less. Perhaps what exhausts me isn’t presence. Maybe it’s the effort of resisting the parts of me that hold emotions I don’t feel ready to deal with in the moment. 

Now I’m interested in what allowed my resistance to give way enough for my body to soften and welcome my current experience.

Today, my resistance feels less like an obstacle and more like a question.

So, I’ll leave you with the same question I’m sitting with…


What helps you stay present after you’ve said yes?