We like to believe that if we make a good decision, things will turn out well.
But outcomes are not always proof of wisdom.
Recently, I’ve been questioning the story I’ve told myself about intuition, control, and certainty. What I’m discovering is that the real developmental task isn’t getting better control, it’s cultivating a greater tolerance for uncertainty.
I’m not a poker player and I doubt that I ever will become one. Annie Duke, a champion poker player, wrote Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don’t Have All the Facts. I’ve only read the first chapter but already I’ve realized that I have been confusing a good outcome with a good decision.
Good decisions do not always guarantee good outcomes.
Bad decisions do not always produce bad outcomes.
For years I have told myself that when I trust my intuition, things turn out well. When I don’t trust my intuition, they don’t turn out well at all.
But according to Annie Duke, I might be mistaking good luck for intuition.
If we cannot control outcomes as much as we think we can, then the real developmental task isn’t getting better control. It’s cultivating a greater tolerance for uncertainty and not knowing the answer.
This is especially relevant these days. For many people in the United States, it feels like various political and social structures are collapsing or undergoing massive change in the moment. Nothing is stable. To cope with these rapid changes, each of us makes up stories every day about our current situation or what we imagine things will be like in the future. Even if our stories prove to be incorrect, it’s sometimes easier to hold on to a false story that seems secure rather than to experience uncertainty in the moment.
False certainty shuts down curiosity, and fuels polarization. It also blocks learning and consequently keeps us stuck in one repetitious story.
We often confuse not knowing with incompetence. But that is just our ego’s demand to appear certain. In fact, not knowing is intellectual humility. It is the willingness and strength to stay open long enough for something truer and more powerful to emerge.
Your relationship with uncertainty determines the quality of your thinking, your leadership, and ultimately, your impact.
I used to think that as a coach, I needed to have all the answers. But the most powerful coaching I can do is to ask my clients powerful questions that open their minds and their hearts. I can still get into answering mode when I feel the need to perform. But thankfully, most of the time I can catch myself, take a breath and relax into not knowing. Besides, why deny your clients an opportunity to exhibit their own brilliance instead of relying on yours?
What stories do you make up about not knowing and uncertainty?
What might be possible if you could loosen your grip on certainty?
*Here’s a special offer for you in honor of my 75th Birthday on June 1, 2026. I will give away 75 free half hour coaching sessions between now and June 1st. One session to each person who contacts me for a ReStory It Now! session. If you’re ready to rewrite your own story or even just thinking about it, let’s get together. Maybe you still want a fresh start for the coming year. Whatever your need, let’s work on it together. And, if you know anybody who could benefit from a free session with me, please send them my way. Thank you all for helping me celebrate this landmark birthday!
Grateful for all the stories we each have to tell,
Judith