Several years ago, a long-term mentor of mine unexpectedly died. Although we didn’t visit in person very often, we read each other’s pieces online daily. He role-modeled speaking the truth and taking principled stands. He was kind yet fierce in his support for what was ethical and humane, and I admired his brilliance and tenacity. When I felt nervous about taking a stand, he usually beat me to it and wrote something that inspired me to speak my truth.
When he died, I felt lost and adrift for several months. I missed his supportive messages as well as his gentle calling me out for a mistake or a misunderstanding in my thinking. I thought of him as my ground, and without his gravitational force, I felt untethered in terms of my writing.
At first, I would wonder to myself, “What would Steve say in this situation?” and imagine his position on the topic. Over time, I realized that I needed to cultivate my own courage and tenacity, not only to maintain my own integrity but also to be a model to others in a similar way to how Steve had been a model to me.
When people lose their way, they may not initially realize that they are lost, as they continue to get further and further away from the path necessary to reach their original destination. When they finally do realize that they are lost, there is usually a moment of disorientation and, for many, a sense of panic. Not being able to locate yourself is a bit like losing a part of your identity. It is jarring to the ego. Egos appreciate certainty, and our experience of being lost is the polar opposite of this.
And yet, this moment or period of being lost can also be experienced as a respite. It can be a hard stop on your usual routines and ways of approaching people and things. Our inability to locate ourselves can also provide a new perspective on where we are. We see ourselves and what we want with new eyes and perhaps a wider view than we had originally noticed. In order to be found, we must get curious about our situation, our surroundings, and our resources. We also get to harness our creativity as we look for ways to reorient ourselves and find our path back home.
Along the way, out of curiosity or desperation, we may follow a new trail that we wouldn’t have noticed had we not gotten lost. This trail could lead to a whole new vista and a desire to pursue it. This newsletter was actually born out of my desire to start writing again and to cultivate trust in my words and my experience. It was not something I had initially intended to write.
Outside intervention can be helpful in finding our way, despite our initial resistance to being lost. It’s always helpful to have someone or something let you know, “You are here,” even if you are sure that your here is in a totally different place. Of course, reality is a powerful guide, and sooner or later, we do find ourselves.
As I am writing this, I’m realizing that the destination that is most important to me is not a place or a certain outcome, but to remain engaged with the process. Sometimes, the process involves a flash of insight and a clear direction in which to move. Sometimes, it is about sitting in the discomfort of uncertainty and not knowing until an answer appears, either from within or via an outside source. Most times, the process moves far more slowly than I desire. I can only take the next step and see where that leads me. However, the key to success in being found is neither to jettison my relationship with myself nor my relationship with the process. The process will lead us to a place where we can stay for a while or reassess.
Sometimes, finding our way requires letting go of the very things we thought would get us there. Have you ever noticed how tightly we can hold on to something, even after it has stopped helping us? A belief. A habit. An idea of who we’re supposed to be.
As many of you know, Leonid Frolov and I have been collaborating and co-creating The Dante Project, inspired by Dante’s journey and the questions we face as we find our way through life. We’re beginning with a series of free, live pop-up classes starting with Letting Go, this Thursday, October 15th. Together, we’ll explore what we’re holding on to, what we might be ready to release, and what becomes possible when we do let go.
You don’t need to know Dante. Just bring yourself, and perhaps something you’re tired of carrying. Click here to reserve your space for Letting Go and get a glimpse of the conversations coming over the next four months.